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 6/4/2007 |
The zoo we call work
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Let’s go to the zoo – at least the zoo we call work.
Take a look at our zoo – I bet you can see yourself – and the people around you.
We start our tour at the front gates. Be sure to buy some food for the animals – it’ll keep them from turning on you as you go through the zoo. Give them what they want, and they’ll stop looking at you as if you’re food.
First off, we find the common domesticated dog. Once part of the wolf species, this animal has been domesticated. Through selective breeding and a number of useless day-long meetings, the dog has been rendered more docile. Plus, each breed of dog has been bred up for specialized tasks. One dog will herd sheep. Another dog will do expense reports. This dog will file forms in triplicate. That dog will lick your face – or your hand – or some other assorted areas. The dog was once a wild animal, and even now, the dog prefers to run with packs of his own kind.
You can easily spot the dogs in your workplace. They will be loyal, even when somewhat mistreated. They will welcome you with their energy – and then put their tails between their legs when that welcome is ignored. The dogs will do what you need them to do – as long as you don’t massively mistreat them. Then, the office dogs will turn on you, bare their teeth, and aim for your exposed soft spots.
Second, we have the office fish. You can tell them because they are always near the water cooler (fish depend on water, after all), and their mouths are always open. The office fish are quick to flit here or there. Like most people who have fish as pets, you’ll soon find they are reasonably entertaining to watch – for a short while. Then, you’ll find they soon lose their entertainment value – and pretty soon, you realize that the fish don’t do a whole lot. In fact, after a while, all you can see is that open mouth.
Third, we’ve got the roosters. They will “cock-a-doodle-doo” all day long, loudly singing their personal praises for anyone – and everyone -- to hear. They start the day with a loud call to the masses – “Cock-a-doodle-doo, it’s me, that’s who.”
Pretty soon, you’ll find the roosters strut a lot, and they make a lot of noise. Oh – and they taste good when they’re barbecued.
Fourth, we’ve got “just us chickens.” All right – I don’t mind the chickens, or the ducks. Most of the time, the chickens contribute a lot, if you encourage them a little bit. (The use of cages is prohibited in the office, although cubicles seem to work adequately well). The chickens seem to get around a lot, and if you can understand their constant clucking, you might learn a bit about what’s happening in the office.
Fifth, there’s the elephant. It’s said that elephants never forget, and every office has one of them. They will constantly remind you of how things were done, way back in the Stone Age. Yes, elephant – we know there didn’t used to be computers, and you used to do the entire billing run with a typewriter and carbon paper – but nobody else in the office cares, and most of us haven’t even seen carbon paper before. (For what it’s worth, I am quite familiar with carbon paper, white-out, and typewriters, and I don’t miss any of them).
But here’s the truth behind the office elephant: as a leader, you can learn a lot from the history of the company. You can’t let it govern your future, of course, but if you listen to the office elephant a bit, you might actually learn something useful.
Sixth, there’s the office snakes. I don’t have anything against the real snakes in the world, as long as they’re not poisonous and in my back yard. But office snakes are a different animal – or reptile, or whatever they are. Office snakes are always poisonous – and they are constantly hissing their lies and half-truths for anyone to hear: “Ssssssay, Ssssssuzy, did you sssssee how Sssssammy looked at the bosssssss? I sssssuppose sssssshe thinks ssssshe ssssshould be the big cheessssse!”
I wish I could tell you an easy way to deal with office snakes – but since they deal in half truths and lies, the best way to deal with them is to move them to somebody else’s office – preferably someone you can’t stand. I suppose you could get them promoted. Ssssometimes, office snakes can be interesting managers, if you like watching office warfare. (Yes, I know it’s a different sort of sssssporting – excuse me – sporting event, but watching office warfare is an easy thing to become addicted to).
Seventh in our zoo is the skunk. Office skunks are always stinking things up. Unlike the real skunk, which only sprays in self-defense, office skunks stink the place up all the time, through their bad decisions. For some reason, office skunks usually move upwards to the post of “bad manager.” I think people promote office skunks because they are afraid of getting sprayed.
Eighth in our zoo is the office tiger. Most of the office tigers in our zoo are really housecats, but like real housecats, the office tigers consider themselves to be the “cat’s meow.” They meow – excuse me – roar a lot, but rarely seem to do much besides make a lot of noise. Most of the office tigers are toothless.
Ninth in our office menagerie is the king of beasts – the office lion. Usually, the lion is the CEO, and if you have a good CEO, the lion may actually earn its pay. A lot of times, though, the office lion mostly fluffs up his mane with stock options and personal trips around the world at company expense.
Tenth – and last in today’s tour: the office donkey. Sure, the donkey gets a lot of bad press. People call him stubborn – but you can also view him as “determined to get his way.” The office donkey might not be flashy, but they always seem to keep their footing, like the donkeys and mules used on high slopes and narrow paths.
Plus, there’s a very interesting fact about donkeys. Did you know that donkeys are used by horse breeders to calm down skittish race horses? The donkey has a calming effect, making the skittish thoroughbred more valuable and more predictable. Office donkeys are like that, too. An office donkey is determined to get his way – and he’ll get it, too – through constantly moving toward his goal. Sure, he may bray a bit along the way, but a good office donkey is worth his weight in gold – or manure, or whatever you have.
Oh, there are many other animals in our office zoo. We haven’t even met the camels, or the geese (gee, how I hate the office geese), or the ducks (I actually like the office ducks). We haven’t even met the office jokester, the laughing hyena (get rid of the laughing hyena if you want to keep your sanity). And there’s the road runner, and the office rabbits, and a bunch more fish, and all those blasted monkeys.
But that’s a tour for another day.
Thanks for coming to the zoo. Make sure to watch for the “fallout” from the geese.
Gee – sorry about that. Now you know why I hate the geese.
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